Unless you live in a secluded, back-woods area where the closest house to yours is five miles down a dirt or gravel road, there will come a time when you are faced with the dreaded “bad neighbor.” Right now that sound effect used to portray impending doom–“dun, dun, duuuuun”–is probably running through your head.
It does not matter what their various offenses are. Maybe they do not follow the leash law in your area and instead let their dog use your well-manicured yard as its personal toilet. Or perhaps they play loud music at ungodly hours of the night. Maybe they put their garbage in your trash cans when theirs are full. If you have tried reasoning with them to no avail and putting up with their rude behavior is not a feasible option, it is time to wage full-scale warfare against your bad neighbor. Here is how you can get the job done.
Tips for Those in Apartments or Duplexes
Pump Up the Volume–This idea is tailor-made for the neighbor who likes to play his music loud as it gives him a taste of his own medicine. If your neighbor lives above you, move your stereo system on the highest surface possible and if they reside below you, place it on the floor. As soon as they come home from a hard day’s work, blast the music as loud as you can stand it and insert ear plugs in you ears for your comfort. Turn it off long enough to lull them into a false sense of security and when they go to bed, play the music again. Remember, the more bass, the better the result.
Rearrange Your Wall Pictures–It is time to freshen up your apartment and one easy way to do that is to rearrange your wall pictures. Visit the hardware store and buy some nails and a hammer, come home, and bang away. Of course, since this is impractical to do on a daily basis, this is a one-shot deal so make the most out of it and prolong the process by taking intermittent breaks. Doing this during dinnertime makes it all the more fun.
Make Your Apartment Hang-Out Central–Enjoy a richer social life and start inviting your friends over more often for a fun night of playing beer pong and shooting the breeze or watching the major sports game of the week. As long as your get-togethers do not get out of control, there is little your landlord can and will do to stop your efforts. After all, a little bit of neighborly noise is all a part of apartment living, right?
Burn Incense–If your upstairs neighbor deserves some payback, try burning strong and unpleasant smelling incense near your ceiling. The thin walls and ceilings of today’s apartment buildings mean these smells will seep through and infiltrate their living space. Be careful not to blacken the ceiling or set off the smoke detectors.
Tips for Those in Single-Family Dwellings
Build a Fence–Nothing says “stay off of my property because I hate your guts” like building a fence between you and your annoying neighbor. Although a barbed-wire fence complete with a “Beware of Dog” sign will send a bold message, you may prefer to keep your neighbor at bay with a six-foot privacy fence, especially if your neighbor is of the nosy kind.
Get in Touch with Nature–Consider starting that garden you have not gotten around to yet. Pick up some supplies and vegetable seeds at your local hardware store, return home, and enjoy some one-on-one time with nature. Do not forget to buy the “special” fertilizer and be sure to set up your garden as close to your shared property line as possible. You want them to really enjoy taking a deep whiff of cow manure every time they step outside of their house.
Be Gaudy–There is absolutely nothing wrong with celebrating the holidays in excessiveness. When you start to hear sleigh bells ringing, it is time to pull out the Christmas decorations. Go bright, go bold, go big. And make sure you get an early start. Use Walmart or any other chain superstore as your guide; whenever they put out their holiday merchandise, you should start decorating, meaning you need to plan on beginning your winter holiday preparations somewhere between Halloween and Thanksgiving. After Christmas is over, feel free to leave your decorations out as long as you would like and do not neglect the other holidays; spread holiday joy all year long.