Telemarketers. The bane of our existence. The bottom-feeders of society who are considered to be an even lower human life form than the stereotypical used car salesman. They always call as soon as you sit down to enjoy the dinner you slaved over the stove to make, right when your favorite television program comes on, while you are in the shower, and especially when you are taking a much-needed nap. It makes even the typically reasonable, level-headed individual want to blow a gasket but as the cliche goes, “don’t get mad, get even.”
Following the Rules Has Failed You
Do not feel guilty about enacting revenge on those pesky little devils in disguise as humans. You, like many other consumers, have probably tried the recommended cease and desist methods of asking them to stop calling, joining the National Do Not Call Registry that bans telemarketers, and blocking their phone number only to have them worm their way back into your caller id by using an alternate phone number.
Fun Tips to Becoming a Telemarketer’s Worst Nightmare
If you have done everything right yet everything seems to be going wrong, it is time to turn the tides and have a little fun at their expense. Here are some great tips to get you started; however, you are only limited by your imagination so feel free to pull out all of the stops.
Please Hold–Take a page out of the customer service handbook of virtually any business and make that annoyingly persistent telemarketer shut-up by saying, “can I put you on hold for a moment.” Do not give him or her time to answer but instead put the receiver down and walk away for a few minutes.
Even better, play your kid’s Barney music CD and put the phone up to the stereo speakers so they can enjoy a heartwarming rendition of Barney’s “I Love You” theme song. Make sure you choose the “Repeat Song” option. On the off chance the moron is still waiting on the line, express interest in whatever it is he or she is selling and once they get into their sales spiel, put them back on hold. Repeat as often as you deem necessary.
Feign Deafness–If you really want to test a telemarketer’s patience, and you know you do, every time they make a statement or ask a question, pleasantly request for them to repeat the last comment they made. It will not be long before they give up and actually hang up on you.
A Friendly Voice–When you get a sales call, be insistent upon the fact that you believe the telemarketer is really your best friend playing a prank on you. You can make comments such as “Jason, I know its really you” or “come on, enough is enough so stop fooling around.”
Get Personal–As soon as your telemarketing victim inquires as to how your day was, use every dramatic acting skill you possess and pour your heart out. Turn on the waterworks and begin lamenting over how much you hate your life and that you desperately wish you can get just one lucky break to turn it all back around. Your depressing life story will produce stunned silence on the other end.
Pop the Question–Are you tired of being lonely? Propose marriage to the telemarketer. They will become so caught off-guard, chances are they will end their telemarketing reign of terror currently directed toward you.
Sound Effects–Use a sound effects device to mess with the next telemarketer who dares to call your house. Toy stores and novelty shops usually carry inexpensive devices that make a variety of sounds such as fart noises, burps, booing, and interesting phrases. There are even machines that let you record your own message and disguise it with voice over options.
You can usually purchase one of these handy gizmos for $10-$20 that will perfectly suit your needs. Another acceptable alternative to the sound effects device is an air horn, which costs about the same as a sound device. However, if you can not justify the cost, you can always produce burp and fart noises of your own or simply scream at the top of your lungs into the phone. Let your imagination soar, get your revenge and most importantly, have a blast while doing it.